Friends Are Frosting on the Cake of Life
We all need friends because not one of us (introvert, extrovert, shy, outgoing, etc.) is complete on our own in an isolated vacuum. Friends can be consistent throughout our lives or they may come and go. When we move from one home or area to another, we tend to create new friendships as we create new memories through shared experiences. Some of these friendships fade when we move away again.
The amount of time you have known someone is not what makes a friendship the truest, though longevity can be an indicator that there is a commitment to stay personally in touch. True friends are the frosting on the cake of life. The best friendships are the ones that have deep roots in respect and love.
You can have these deep friendships with family if the relationship grows with you over time – meaning if the family member/s stays current with knowing who you are and doesn’t try to keep you in the box of who you once were to them. Family friends know you very well because they have been a witness of you over time. But you can also share family expectations of each other that you wouldn’t trigger with someone who doesn’t have the same family patterns and/or wounds.
Close friends are the witnesses to our journey.
They celebrate our successes, share (or are empathetic of) our losses and disappointments and can speak truth to us when it is needed (and sometimes when it is hard to hear). The common bond with deep friendships is mutual respect and compassion, or love. You can deeply appreciate who someone is without liking every single thing about them. Our friends show us we are not alone, they are sounding boards for us as we assess or struggle with our next steps, and often they offer viable options that we may have overlooked. Friends, unlike competitors, want us to succeed and be happy beyond how they might feel about the situation.
True friends will work through issues that arise between you because they can see the value of you and your friendship – often beyond any feelings triggered. They can consider the personally focused intent behind your words and/or actions without making it personal. A true friend is one who can give more than they receive on occasion…knowing that they are likely to receive more than they give the next time around.
Friendship Requires Good Boundaries
The dance of giving and receiving is more fluid than the normal rigid boundaries we hold with other, lesser friends as we make our own well-being a priority. All of us have experienced hurt and pain through our relationships and this has led us to hold better boundaries—which is knowing where we end and another begins. Sometimes these boundaries are isolation—which usually stems from not trusting others NOT to hurt us.
Good boundaries are reflected in the ability to say ‘no’ to what doesn’t serve, such as giving far more than you get. A true friend is deeply considered in our interactions, gifts are appreciated, gratitude is shown and spoken, and advantage is not taken.
7 Ways to Develop Truer Friendships
So what behaviors and perspectives lead to developing truer friendships?
Good communication skills. Being able to ask for what you need and the ability to actively listen to what another needs.
Healing your own wounds to be more fully present to another. Not being ‘triggered’ when it isn’t about you.
Speaking and living one’s truth. Being authentic with yourself and others.
Having a perspective that improvements (such as increased happiness) for anyone in your inner circle is an improvement to the whole.
Being able to give and receive in equal measure. This is having good boundaries, which stems from seeing the equal value of both (all) parties.
Being able to forgive. Seeing beyond the words or actions of another to the soul’s expression, or higher intent. This includes being able to forgive yourself, lower your exceptionally high expectations of yourself, etc.
Making deeper heart-to-heart connections. Being okay with vulnerability and trusting the shared compassion.
What to do when things go ‘wrong’ in friendships:
Ask yourself some questions before you react to situations with others. This can help you gain clarity about whether it is an issue of yours, or someone else’s. It can also help you reinforce healthy boundaries.
Is this my issue or another’s?
If it is mine, can I be honest with myself about why I’m uncomfortable, depressed, angry, or feeling wounded? What do I need to heal so I won’t get triggered in this way again?
If it is not mine, can I hold a space for him/her to have an opinion without judgment? Can I hold space for him/her to heal without making it about me?
Am I giving (or expected to) more than I receive with this friend?
Am I taking more than I give?
How balanced is this friendship? Now? In general?
Can I be honest with myself and another?
How has the situation or behavior has affected me?
Can I be vulnerable and own what is mine?
Can I hold healthier boundaries in this relationship?
For example, is there room for me to say ‘no’ to what is expected of me?
Or is there a chance the friendship no longer appropriately supports me?
How can I step forward from this in a heart-centered, non-judgmental way?
Friendships are gifts given to our hearts. Some are effortless and some require hard work! Some are deeper and more fulfilling than others. Some are temporary and others can last a lifetime.
Assess the state of your friendships at this time as a type of self-care. Determine to what degree your needs are being met by your friendships. Being that we are in a COVID year, it may be that your friendships are more distant than in the past. With the friendships you want to keep – work harder to appreciate them and flood them with renewed connection, even if it has to be socially distanced for now.
May the force of joy be with you!
Many blessings,
Janna
If you missed “Live With Janna” on October 29th, 2020, the video is below:
