It’s OK to Say ‘NO!’
Have you ever agreed to do something you didn’t want to, solely because you felt like you couldn’t say no? Or, have you ever told a white lie to avoid an event rather than just saying no?
I know I have. Welcome back to another month in our journey towards self-care! This month, I’m focusing on a habit many of us struggle with: don’t be afraid to say ‘NO!’
No, such a short word, yet it holds so much power.
Why are we so afraid to use this word? Perhaps it stems from people-pleasing tendencies, a common harmful pattern that I shared how to break back in March.
Many of us were taught from a young age that ‘just saying no’ is rude. Our culture pushes societal norms and expectations through Emily Post, Miss Manners, and more. These teachings are the very reason why it can feel impossible to say no without offering some sort of excuse.
Recently, I was with a friend, and I suggested that we go for a short walk. She answered with “No.” No reason, no excuse, just a firm no and changed the subject. I must admit, I was taken aback until I realized she had every right to say no, and I am not entitled to a reason. I paused and saw that she was setting strong boundaries. I laughed it off and asked what she wanted to do instead, and we continued on our way. All I have to say now is good for her!
No is a word used to protect one’s boundaries, which is an essential part of self-care and our mental health.
But, how do we say “No, period?” How can we stop the overbearing need to share reasons and excuses?
A little while ago, I had agreed to attend a group event. When I awoke on the morning of the event, I simply didn’t feel like attending. I had that inner struggle — do I go or not go? I had said I would, so I should, but I really didn’t want to. I decided I wasn’t going to attend.
Now, the problem became, ‘How do I say no?’ I struggled with what excuse to give. A dozen white lies crept to the tip of my tongue, but when I texted the group, I said, “I’m going to miss today, have a fun time.”
Do you know how much angst I had over saying a simple and honest no? And the best part? No one was upset!
Oftentimes, we avoid saying no because we fear confrontation or missing out, but we must remember that learning to say no is the key to improving our boundaries.
When faced with a situation that you don’t want to do, ask yourself, “Will this prevent me from focusing on something else more important?” and “Will this bring me joy or make me tired?”
While receiving our ‘nos’ with grace and saying no without excuses is essential, we also have to learn to say no to ourselves. Sometimes, we can have AHA moments through reflection and realize that we are carrying feelings that we no longer want to feel.
Over the years, there have been several times when I have been reminded that it’s OK to say no to intrusive thoughts. Just as I help free my clients of their intrusive thoughts, I must remember to ‘just say no’ when I have my own.
Letting go and saying no can be an empowering and enlightening experience.
Here are four tips to help you maintain your boundaries and say no:
Practice — Say the word no. Say it to yourself, out loud, when you have intrusive thoughts. Practice saying it in the way you want to be heard.
Remain honest — Although it might be an immediate response to lie about why you are saying no, think about all the times people have said no to you and you weren’t upset. You don’t owe anyone anything other than honesty when saying no.
Take your time — Give yourself the gift of time to think through your answer. Weigh the consequences of committing to something or declining. Then, you can make an informed decision.
Suggest an alternative — If there’s something you’d rather do, you can offer that up rather than saying an unenthusiastic yes.
I’ll see you next month as I talk about setting aside our fear of saying YES! Until then, I encourage you to practice self-reflection and setting boundaries by saying ‘No,’ even when it’s uncomfortable. Every ‘no’ is a step toward improving your boundaries.
Cindy Parsons,
RN, BSN, MS-HCA, SEM
With warmth and healing energy,
Cindy Parsons and the EMS Team
Holistic Nurse
Energy Medicine Practitioner
Instructor—Energy Medicine Specialists
(Read more about Cindy here).